


The Tale of the Holy Pear and the Profit Bob

by Kelkat9



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-31
Updated: 2013-07-31
Packaged: 2017-12-21 22:37:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/905767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kelkat9/pseuds/Kelkat9
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Doctor gets in trouble when he insults the Cult of Pyrus.  Rose must rescue him but that's not as easy as it sounds.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Tale of the Holy Pear and the Profit Bob

**Author's Note:**

> For spookyknight's birthday

It wasn't like they had never been separated before. In fact, it happened quite frequently, but not as the Doctor liked to say, because she wandered off. Ninety percent of the time he was the one doing the wandering or chasing after some shiny thing that caught his interest. In fact, that was how she now found herself off to rescue him. It was a fairly dangerous situation. He'd been captured by the Cult of Pyrus which worshipped some sacred fruit tree. Rose was never quite clear what it was all about, only that the Doctor was caught doing something blasphemous. Again, not unusual for him. Word of mouth had passed quickly that the infidel was scheduled to meet his doom at the great tree of Pyrus.

Rose sighed as she trudged through mud, grass and through thick bushes and trees to make it to the sacred tree before her lump of a Time Lord got himself regenerated. She'd just broken this version in and she wasn't keen on having to start over. She also had a fondness for his rather adorable face and gorgeous hair. Soon, she heard the roar of people chanting and shouting. When she burst through a thicket of grass, she found herself amongst the native inhabitants of this world, dressed in robes of yellow and green, wearing baskets with fruit on their heads. Her brow furrowed as she took it all in. The doctor, wearing nothing but socks, was tied to pole in front of a massive tree. He was gagging and wincing and seemed to be covered in some slick substance that almost looked like apple sauce. Rose watched in fascination as the natives hurled clumps of the fruit-like substance at him.

Rose bit her lip looking around trying to find a solution. He was tied up naked, not that she minded that so much, there was no sonic, he was surrounded by angry cult members and the TARDIS was about a mile away. She was going to have to wing it. She straightened up and walked forward with confidence.

"Oi! You lot! What do you think you're doin?" she demanded, pushing her way through the crowd until she was in between the angry people and the Doctor. The crowd quieted as a group of who she assumed were priests or leaders strode forward. They were dressed a little differently than the rest and wore garlands of fruit around their necks in addition to tall baskets filled with fruit.

"Rose!" the Doctor finally said, spitting something from his mouth. "Run! You don't want to…" He paused again to spit. "Be here during their disgusting ceremony!"

That's when Rose realized what this was about. They were wearing pears. She turned to look at the enormous tree with fruit hanging off of it. She had to bite her tongue to stop the giggles. She finally looked at him, covered in pear juice and mashed fruit. "You are so gonna get it when I get you back to the TARDIS she mumbled to him."

"What? I didn't do anything! It was not my fault," he moaned.

Rose smiled and then turned back to the leaders with a more stern expression. "Sorry to interrupt your ceremony here but what exactly did my friend do?"

The head priest who was a tall burly man pointed at the Doctor. "Blasphemer!"

Rose just stared at the green and golden pears on his head and nodded. "Yeah, I get that but can't we come to an agreement where he doesn't you know, die?"

The priest turned his highly tanned and stern face to her. His dark brown eyes were almost black with anger. "The Blasphemer must be punished as an example to all others who dare insult the most holy and revered tree and the fruit most blessed by the Prophet Bob himself."

"Oh please! The Prophet Bob!" the Doctor snarked and winced as someone hurled partly eaten pear at him.

Rose nodded trying not to laugh. "Right, don't want upset the Prophet Bob. I really understand. I mean I know what a rude git he can be."

"Oi! Right here!" he shouted before more pear puree splatted on him much to his muttered, "Ugh and disgusting."

"And he doesn't know when to shut his gob either," Rose said loudly. "Even with all that, I'm sure if he'd known how special and sacred the um fruit and tree is, he'd never have said anything. Matter of fact, I'm betting he'd apologize and make things right."

The priest didn't look at all impressed. Rose knew she had to go all out. "Reparations!" she shouted. "Yeah, we could I dunno, give you something, make some donation or maybe tithe or…oh! How 'bout we help build a temple or somethin?"

One of the other priests stepped forward and there was much whispering as the three men discussed Rose's ideas. Meanwhile, Rose walked over to the Doctor smirking at his pear encrusted state.

"Don't, just don't" he warned her," he said sniffing and making an unhappy face.

"Serves you right for insultin' their culture," she told him while looking him up and down pausing here and there to enjoy the view.

"I'm gonna be smelling pears for weeks and do you know what it's gonna take to get this vile stuff out of my hair?" he whinged. Rose shushed him as the Priest seemed to reach a decision.

"The golden haired stranger has shown us respect and reverence that the blasphemer lacks!" he spoke in a booming voice. Rose smiled at this while the Doctor looked offended. Rose crossed her arms and glared at him. He had the good sense to not speak.

The Priest continued. "Her heartfelt pleas have touched us and reminded us of the benevolence of the most revered and Holy Bob." The crowded then shouted out many blessings for Prophet Bob. The Priest continued. "In honor of this holy day, we shall grant the blasphemer absolution and not end his life. As the Prophet Bob taught, it is better to make the whiskey last than chug it in one gulp! Therefore, instead of a quick death, we shall spare his life and make an example of him! During the most holy festival of Bob, The blasphemer shall remain staked as an example to other heathens He will be adorned by the most holy fruit and show penance! After which, he will be charged in spreading the word of the Prophet Bob under the wise guidance of the wise golden haired stranger."

Rose nodded. That didn't seem so bad. Then, it all went pear shaped. (pun intended)

The priest announced that to show her sincerity, Rose would wear traditional festival costume that was made entirely of fruit and leaves from the holy pear tree. She was not amused. The Doctor had a rather evil glint in his eye at this announcement. That is, until he caught the death look that Rose directed at him.

It was a day Rose would never forget. The traditional costume consisted of a basket on her head piled with pears. Then, there was the bra and mini skirt of pears, leaves and pear flowers. Rose couldn't decide which was worse, having to balance the heavy basket of fruit on her head, or survive the pear steams poking her in sensitive places, not to mention the incident where a monkey ran out of the jungle and plucked a pear off her outfit in a very revealing spot. Not that the pear worshippers were insensitive. They were more than willing to tie more pears on to protect her modesty. Rose was sure nothing was more embarrassing than having a pear worshipper tie a pear onto some leaves to cover her female bits. Especially, when she thought the bloke lingered a bit too long and she had to accidently kick him in the shin. The whole embarrassing affair ended with a parade led by Rose and the Priest out to the tree where the Doctor, now with garlands of pears wrapped around him, was staked and where a worshipful dance was to be performed.

The Priest insisted Rose join in the celebratory dance, much to the Doctor's smirking. Well, he smirked until someone splashed him in the face with pear juice. He was a bit pouty after that. So Rose Tyler, dressed in pears, flowers and leaves participated in the holy pear dance during which fruit bounced, people sang and the Doctor got an eyeful of pears bouncing off of bodies. At the end of the dance, the Priest cut the Doctor loose. The Priest ordered him to go forth and spread the word of the Prophet Bob. Of course, going forth meant he had to carry Rose on his shoulders whilst still enrobed in garlands of pears and nothing else.

The Doctor rolled his eyes and was about to mutter a complaint when Rose smacked him on the head and told him to "Just get on with it." Thus, the Doctor, the Oncoming Storm, Last of the Time Lords, left the holy tree of the Cult of Pyrus enrobed in nothing but pears and socks and carrying Rose seated on his shoulders equally enrobed in pears, her feet dangling on he pear encrusted chest and waving at the pear worshippers whilst trying not to lose her pear basket headdress. As he strode off toward the TARDIS muttering about his suit and sonic, she quietly told him to shut it and keep walking as she had pears poking her in places no pears should be, ever. Once in the TARDIS the Doctor began yanking the offensive fruit off of himself and insisting he needed to be decontaminated. After said, de-pearing, he realized Rose was standing off the side giggling and staring at the now pear-less Doctor. He arched a brow and looked at her pair brassier and skirt.

"There is a no pear rule on the TARDIS, Rose," he said and waggled his eyebrows at her in expectation.

She stood leaning provocatively against a coral strut. "You sayin' you wanna pick my pears?"

He strutted over to her, the sickening scent of pears still enveloping him but not at all deterring his mission to de-pear his cheeky companion. "Rose Tyler, I have been covered in the most disgusting fruit in the universe for twenty eight hours, twelve minutes and twenty point three three seconds. Do you think I'm going to hesitate to harvest and dispose of the fruit which shall never be mentioned again?"

Rose backed away from him. "Harvest me will ya? Gonna have to catch me first," she flirted and dashed off down the corridor followed by a very enthusiastic pursuer who was determined to eliminate all pears from this TARDIS even if that meant scrubbing every square inch of his lovely companion and thoroughly examining her to assure it's elimination. They were both very thorough to eradicate all things pear from each other, in the shower, in the corridor, in the bed….


End file.
